March 27, 2510
A much-awaited comeback by our Lord and Savior isn’t quite having its intended effect.
Not long after returning to earth and attempting to bring back what he calls “Real Christianity,” religious leader and God Jesus Christ is finding very few converts to his new reform movement, and plenty of “aborted” Christians seeking better alternatives to the Lord.
“The plan seemed to make sense at the time,” remarked Jesus. “Come back, prove that you’re God, clear up some misunderstandings, and maybe add a new New Testament. But it’s starting to seem like old times all over again. And believe me—those old times were anything but good.”
A recent poll funded by Jesus himself seems to be pointing towards a second Last Supper, as a whopping 96% of the population believes Jesus is God but wants absolutely nothing to do with him, 94% want him to go back to Heaven and leave us alone, and 18% “wouldn’t be upset” if he were crucified again.
“Christianity was pretty cool before Jesus came back,” remarked Christian unconvert Canaanite Baal, formerly known as Paul Cross. “I mean, it didn’t take itself so seriously, and it managed to make religion fun and entertaining. But Jesus is just plain out of control. First he got rid of Christmas. Then he changed the lyrics to ‘Amazing Grace.’ And now he’s trying to ban Mixed Martial Arts. The guy pretty much ruined a religion that had a successful 2500 year run without him.”
The results of a worldwide Apostle search also seem to be echoing that sentiment, as many were called, but only four showed up.
“Four apostles!?” said Jesus via his “jplusc_equals_gplusd” Twitter account. “Four apostles!? I did better than that the first time around! It’s the Jew media. They’re crucifying me. (What else is new?)”
Jesus deleted the post a few minutes later and re-released it minus the Jew comments—but it had already been retweeted, retwatered, dugg, copied, pasted, screenshot, and e-laminated over 37 million times, doing even more damage to his already tarnished reputation.
“I think the guy’s a couple of sticks short of a crucifix,” said atheist fundamentalist Rational Godless, whose lifewithoutjesus.com website has seen a 20,000% increase in traffic since the second coming. “And I don’t care what he says—he’s not God. Don’t get me wrong. His second coming was unlikely. But by no means does that prove it was an actual act of God. I mean, if Nature can add energy to old soup and create life, it can also bring back a 2500 year old dead man who probably never even existed in the first place.”
“Honest to God, God’s really starting to annoy me,” remarked Jennifer Love Everyone, head of The Religious Tolerance Churchygosque. “He’s completely intolerant of anyone who doesn’t follow him. And if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s religious intolerance.”
Even Father Paul Mark Nazarene, one of the few people who has supported Jesus since his return to earth, has been critical of some of his beliefs:
“I think he’s taking the Bible way too literally. I mean, he really wants people to give up their possessions. He actually had me walk two miles with some guy the other day. And now he wants to bring back 613 Old Testament Laws?! I like his zeal and commitment—but to be honest, I think he’s something of an extremist.”
The Second Coming has also caused church attendance to plummet, and forced clergy members to abandon their core focus.
“Jesus wants to bring an end to a $300 zillion a year industry,” said Deacon James Johnson of the First Tammy Faye Pentecostal Church. “I mean, he’s telling everyone to go home and pray in closets. And just the other day, he had one of his thugs replace our crucifix with a Jewish star. But as God as my witness, the Church will survive—with or without Jesus.”
The Catholic Church—now know as the Alternative to Christ Church—has already added Jesus to its heretics list, and is scrambling to disassociate itself from its longtime Lord and Savior.
A special Council of Christseeya meeting is still working out the details of the soon to be released New and Improved New Testament, which—according to rumors—will be centered around 20th-21st century country music star Kenny Rogers.
“Jesus is trying to destroy the religion we spent years creating and promoting,” remarked Pope Christless Killchrist I (formerly known as Pope John Paul John Paul XXVII). “We’ve been doing this for 2500 years—we know exactly what it takes to run a successful religion. Jesus might be an expert when it comes to God, but he really doesn’t know the first thing about this industry.”
Even the Bushes, longtime supporters of all things Christ, are rushing to join the anti-Jesus crowd.
“Jesus is almost as bad as a Communist Islamic fundamentalist North Korean Cuban Soviet homosexual,” said former IDA webmaster George HHHWW Bush. “He’s against capitalism, free speech, and family—and as far as I’m concerned, that means he’s against America. And if you’re against America, you’re against God—even if you happen to be God. We also have good reason to believe he’s been developing WMDs.”
And Mel Gibson XVI, director of last year’s blockbuster hits The Second Coming and What Christ Wants, is leading a revolt against the man and God he once worshiped and promoted.
“Aye—fight him, and you may burn in hell,” said the forty time Oscar winner after a forty minute and forty second forty ounce malt liquor drinking binge. “Follow him, and you may live. Maybe even forever. But when you’re playing Yahtzee in Heaven five hundred years from now, you’ll be willing to trade all of your days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell Jesus that he may take our afterlives, but he’ll never take… our freedom!”
Jesus was hoping to gain some popularity with last night’s Jesus Live—a miracle-filled TV extravaganza that aired on 433,234,758 of the world’s 856,784,212 TV channels—but his Apostle count remained unchanged at four, and it seems like Christ will need more than a miracle to win over the public.
“OK—most of those feats were impressive,” said viewer David Beelzeblaine, “I’ll give him that. But the guy’s not even healing people anymore. He’s just turning bread into more bread, and water into wine. I mean, that didn’t get him very far back then—and magic really isn’t that hot nowadays.”
“I figured my comeback would cost us a few members,” Jesus remarked, “but I was hoping we’d gain a few hundred billion more. I can’t say I’m entirely surprised, though. Ezekiel, Isaiah, and Jeremiah mentioned something about the Son of Man being rejected and persecuted. I was hoping they were just drunk and talking out of their asses, or that maybe they were referring to some other Son of Man —but I guess they meant me.
“To be honest, I’m starting to rethink this whole reform thing. I mean, doing my Father’s will is great and all—but I’d rather have my billions of followers back.”
